You can run a household, a team and everyone's calendar without breaking a sweat. Ask for support with the thing you actually struggle with, though, and something in you locks up. So you carry it alone, and the strain finds its way out through food.
In this episode, Alana Kessler, MS, RDN, CDN, a registered functional dietitian, talks about asking for help and making requests, why it is so hard for many women, and how learning to receive can ease the stress behind emotional eating and weight gain. She admits it is a skill she only took on later in life, and once it clicked, she says, "it really feels to me like it's love in practice."
Why is asking for help so hard?
Alana says that for years she did not realize she was struggling to let people in. Over time she saw that it was blocking the connection she wanted and keeping her nervous system holding on to stress, stress that showed up as emotional eating, bingeing and weight gain.
The skill underneath, she explains, is receptivity: the ability to receive, to soften.
"the skill that it requires is the skill of receptivity" (Alana, 10:26)
Many women came of age on messages that they could do it all and achieve anything. Alana calls those great messages about capability. Left unchecked, though, they can crowd out softness and receptivity. In a culture where hyperindependence is worn like a badge of honor, not needing anyone gets mistaken for self-agency.
By their 30s, 40s and 50s, she says, many women start to notice the side of themselves that was never trained up. It usually shows up in food behaviors or weight gain, but it is usually not really about food.
Is asking for help a sign of weakness?
The biggest fear Alana hears is that asking for help will make you look helpless or like you have failed, especially if you are capable everywhere else.
"receiving help is not to be confused at all with helplessness." (Alana, 15:11)
"a whole person, an evolved higher self person is comfortable being both capable and receptive to being helped." (Alana, 15:44)
She asks you to remember how good it feels when someone shares something vulnerable and asks for your help. Letting someone help you gives them that same experience. Receiving, in her framing, is a service, and a pathway to the connection you want.
How does this connect to emotional eating?
Alana shares a conversation with a one-on-one client who realized that her constant overanalyzing and hypervigilance in her relationships, wondering whether she was saying or doing the right thing, was a major trigger for her eating.
The insight mattered because it moved the work beyond food. As Alana puts it, clients often think it is all about the food when it is not:
"a lot of our food choices and eating habits are ... influenced by how our nervous system ... and how we feel in our emotional world." (Alana, 8:17)
Naming that struggle out loud, Alana says, brought her client an emotional release and the relief of no longer carrying it by herself.
How do you start practicing receiving?
Alana does not suggest jumping into the most vulnerable conversation first. She recommends training your nervous system in low-risk ways:
Appreciation. Notice the small things people do for you without being asked, like a stranger holding the door or someone bringing you a tea, and let yourself appreciate them.
Receive compliments without qualifying them. Say thank you and let it land, without adding something negative.
Over time, this softer energy helps you open up to yourself, then to asking for support with what you find. She explains why that matters:
"what happens when we don't air out what we struggle with is that we end up feeling ashamed." (Alana, 21:29)
Shame is a major trigger for emotional eating and bingeing. It can also push people away, leave you wanting others to read your mind, and harden into resignation. Her alternative is to embrace vulnerability and communicate your needs in a way that invites people to help. That is the kind of support she offers when you work with an emotional eating coach.
Her closing thought: when you feel an edgy urgency to eat, "that could be a sign that there is a vulnerable part of you that's looking to feel seen."
Key moments in this episode
1:11 Why asking for help and making requests is the topic
4:52 A client connects hypervigilance in relationships to her eating
10:26 Receptivity as the skill that asking for help requires
11:46 Hyperindependence worn as a badge of honor
14:51 The fear of being seen as helpless
18:22 Training your nervous system to receive in low-risk ways
21:29 How unspoken struggles turn into shame
24:25 Why embracing vulnerability is the real solution
Takeaways
Difficulty asking for help can keep your nervous system holding stress that shows up as emotional eating or weight gain.
Receptivity is a skill, and many capable women were never encouraged to build it.
Receiving help is not helplessness. Alana describes being both capable and receptive as real self-agency.
Start small: appreciate what people do for you and accept compliments without qualifying them.
Struggles you keep hidden tend to turn into shame, which is a major trigger for emotional eating.
An urgent pull to eat can signal a vulnerable part of you that wants to be seen.
Related episodes
How shame grows in isolation - why keeping struggles to yourself makes eating harder
Emotional eating and your relationships - how connection with others shapes your eating
Practicing self-compassion around food - a softer way to meet your own struggles
Breaking free from weight loss shame - another look at the shame that keeps women stuck
Work with Alana
New to The Sober Eating® Movement? Start with the Invisible Weight Detox, an introduction that gets your body and mind working together in under 30 days, so you can reclaim your personal power and eat like a normal person again.
Ready for the full method? The Sober Eating Sequence™ is the 3-phase method to step out of food and dieting chaos and release weight naturally, without restriction or counting macros. It is self-paced, with an optional private peer group.
Want private support? Elite VIP is private mentorship with Alana, with multiple private virtual meetings each month plus daily 1:1 access. For the deepest level of support, Concierge private mentorship gives you unlimited coaching access to Alana.
Building trust with your body now: Coming Home to Your Body is a self-paced course to help you feel safe, grounded and at peace in a body that is still changing.
Free quiz: What hidden food and self-belief pattern is keeping you from lasting weight loss?
Listen, watch and ask a question
Leave us a voice message for our next Q&A episode. Browse all episodes of Emotional Eating Unwrapped, or subscribe on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or YouTube. Follow Alana on Instagram at @bewellbyak and explore more from Be Well by AK.
Disclaimer: The information shared in this episode and on this website is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
